So get this—our neighbours actually called the police and said, “There’s a bloke living here with an underage girl! Come quick!”

My wife and I spent months after our wedding hunting for the perfect flat, and we finally found one and got a mortgage. For ages, I was the one popping over to sort the place out—sorting builders, doing up the place. My wife wasn’t around much, so I ended up meeting the neighbours across the hall first—an elderly couple, a sweet old gran and grandad. Since we didn’t know anyone else here, and we fancied marking the occasion, we thought, “Why not invite them over?”

Once they sat down and got to know my wife, though, something felt off. They started acting strange, and I was a bit worried, but my wife—well, she hugged and kissed me, all soft and lovely, and I forgot all about it. They dashed off in a hurry, no idea why, and honestly, we were too happy to dwell on it.

Next morning, way too early, there’s a knock at the door. I knew right then our new life wasn’t starting smoothly—stood there was a copper, giving me a proper suspicious look.

“Morning, I’m the local officer. Here’s my badge. Mind showing me your marriage certificate? Yours and your ‘wife’s’?” he asked. Bit of a weird request, but I had no choice—had to dig through piles of boxes to find it.

Ten minutes later, I handed it over. The officer glanced between my wife and the certificate a couple times, raised his eyebrows, then said, “Thanks for your cooperation. That’s all I needed.”

“Sorry, but—what’s this about?”

“Got a report last night—bloke living here with an underage girl. Probably not even 16 yet.”

I burst out laughing. The thing is, my wife’s actually a year older than me! I’m 22, she’s 23. But yeah, she’s tiny, proper petite, and with her baby face, no makeup, hair in a ponytail like yesterday—could easily pass for a schoolgirl. Meanwhile, I’ve been run ragged sorting this flat, so with the exhaustion and my scruffy beard, I must’ve looked like some dodgy older bloke.

Time for a proper shave and a nap. Can’t have my lovely wife being mistaken for my kid.